What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 01:33
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot live in the past .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So whats the point in blame.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I gave him everything. He said he loved me. Why?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My family never makes their pension either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ive learnt so much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is soul school!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did it because my mum asked me too!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She married twice! .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When she asked me how she looked .
Who then, do I blame.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She found it foreign!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I have no regrets .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
I don,t even have a pension.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I never cut or harmed myself..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.